Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
doooooooo herrrrrrrrr
I'm out of practice. be my yoda
put your penis in her you must.
You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
Randomize
