i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
Its only fair we share our golden vaginas with the world. It would be selfish if we didn't.
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
Randomize
