Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
He used one of his curtains as a leash and hand restraints. He wins the creative sex challenge hands down.
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
Randomize
