I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
Apparently one comment in my womens studies class cockblocks yourself for an entire semester.
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
He just sent me the contact information about getting the Zebra for graduation...
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
Randomize
