god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
Forgot that I saved my paper as "Eat Shit Edwards" and e-mailed it because I missed class. I'm sure Prof. Edwards will be delighted when she gets it. I don't anticipate a passing grade.
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
Randomize
