i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
You're dick is like the main character. It needs its own picture.
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
Randomize
