We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
Randomize
