Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
Yeah that stuff was rough. We insisted on wearing our bikinis all down college ave, and at several parties that were not beach themed
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