This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
We woke up at 7:30am. We got a 30 rack, yelled at all the freshman shackers walkin back to their dorms, played a game of beer die, and boned all before 11:00am. I found my soulmate
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
I've hit an all time low I just sent a boob pict to fat Randall the one I gave a partial bj to a year a a half ago
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
Randomize
