Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
Prepare for tons of dick. I mean dick by the bucket loads. Waterfalls if cock.
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
Besides the kids on acid... I was the highest kid there
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
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