I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
u kept pointing at random guys and making quacking or mooing sounds.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
Nobody cheats on THIS.
Randomize
