So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
Randomize
