Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
My disapointment is making my balls hurt :(
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
Randomize
