Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
so as we were driving to pick up my grandma from old navy she procedes to yell into our open window.. "I'll make ya holla fo a dolla" umm...
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
We couldve played the bring a random boy to lunch game but i made him go home
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Randomize
