I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
i dont care about people's attitudes as long as they give me head
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
I think my nap took me to another dimension
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
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