so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
oral is when you put your mouth on someones privates and play moterboat or popsicle
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
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