There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
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