I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
You are possibly the most enthusiastic, likable bad influence I've ever met.
im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
He may be 6' 6" but I'm 180 lbs of pure rage and determination
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
Randomize
