is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
Randomize
