Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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