i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
help. there is a guy in a bunny costume.
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
Despite evidence suggesting otherwise, it turns out max is 100%straight.
Randomize
