i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
Gay TA. Finally going to boost my GPA your way.
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
Plus you know he's just 2 semesters and 4 glasses of wine away from "experimenting" with some French major
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
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