Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
Alli causes anal leakage. You can find someone to like you if you are fat but no one will like you if you poop yourself.
Can we talk about the cons of throwing up in the bathtub. there are no pros.
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
I'm a grown ass woman. Treat me like one. Fuckboy
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
Randomize
