The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
I just got carded by a ten year old.
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
I watched a compilation video today of a guy banging his sex doll to edm music. I just had to tell someone.
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
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