I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
If you fuck her..... You will be in great danger. Like in so much danger it would be like walking into a pit of crocodiles who haven't eaten and you also just stole their baby.
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
Randomize
