Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
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