New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
I took a hang over nap infront of the door to my 9am class
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
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