and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
Randomize
