Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
Randomize
