Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
I think I used my NERF gun during sexual roleplay. Need to re-evaluate my life choices.
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
