Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
it feels like my vag is blowing bubbles
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
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