....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
Randomize
