i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
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