White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
Randomize
