there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
last night i got mauled by 2 gay men who were trying to make each other jealous by making the other think they could swing back- you're going to love atl
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Randomize
