now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
outstanding.
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
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