You did that once after drunk driving from a photo shoot
That was very cool/italian of you
Which brings me to my next point, how come italians are so well adapted to drunk driving
yeah. and then it was like the room of requirement. the elevator just opened for our threesome.
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
Then you started screaming that this was the first time you did e and that you had a 4.8 gpa, that was right before you almost suffocated between that one girl's tits.
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
Randomize
