oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
Some guy with no shirt on and his pants undone informed us he was kicked out of the cab
I asked him why, and he had absolutely no idea.
I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
I need to stop coming to work sober
I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
This is classic penis vs brain.
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Randomize
