Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
May or may not be going home with my jamitor. i'm kiddong, btw, i have no idea. i'll let you know soooon.
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
Randomize
