Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?
Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.
I'm going to rape someone's good day.
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
