Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
I'm a girl who met my last three bfs in gay clubs. Think I'm doing something wrong?
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Randomize
