Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
You didn't even properly utilize my pigtails.
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
So I just went to clothing optional bar
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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