Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
you want my honest opinion? I'm sure refering to her vagina as the "bat cave" was your first mistake.
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
Fulfilled a bucket list goal last night. Borrowed a dollar from a stripper to buy smokes
God bless Atlanta.
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
Randomize
