Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
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