DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
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