so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
i came on her dog
The last thing i remember is saying breakfast beer and carrying the keg to my room and locking the door.
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
Randomize
