lets hang out tonight and do stupid stuff.
Dating you for 6 months was stupid enough. But thanks.
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
i don't know what happened by from the looks of her lipstick I'd say she was skull fucked by a rhino
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
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