She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
How's the party?
I'm watching two people get flogged. Sothere's that.
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
Randomize
