When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
Asian chick on skype stripping for me. Hold on give few min
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
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