My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
i dont even know how to be here
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
Its not low standards. We're more of like a self esteem camp for average girls
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
Randomize
