I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize
